Conan O' Brien's Opening Monologue at the 97th Oscars

 Auto-transcribed on Monday, March 03, 2025.media and text playback available on this page: https://aliceapp.ai/recordings/_G6SiAoK2wFreTVEPx0CWZ13gsqOIRXu

Key 	Value 	
Words: 	1,792 	
Duration: 	00:18:18 	
Recorded on: 	Unknown date 	
Uploaded on: 	2025-03-03 07:20:46 UTC 	
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At: 	Unknown location 	
Using: 	Uploaded to aliceapp.ai 	

Speakers:

 Speaker A - 14.51%

 Conan O'Brien - 85.49%

Notes:

- Conan. Please welcome four time Oscar viewer, Conan O'Brien. Hi Demi. How are you? Awkward. I'm missing some car keys. Anyway, this is very exciting. I am excited to be here.- Timothee Chalamet is also in Dune 2. Director Denis Vinou banned smartphones on the set of Dune ii. Amazon has taken over the 007 franchise, and they just announced the next James Bond. One of my favorite movies didn't get nominated this year. Baby Girl.- Speaking of Amazon, we have some footage of Amazon chief Jeff Bezos arriving tonight on the red carpet. And if you still won't get off the stage, I'm going to show one of your old headshots. There are a few housekeeping rules I'm implementing to keep the Oscars running smoothly.- Adam: Did my snazzy gym shorts and fluffy sweatshirt offend you so much that you had to mock me in front of my peers? Conan: You are all welcome to join me for a game of 5 on 5 basketball at veteran park tonight. Midnight tip off.- The Oscars also shines a light on an incredible community of people you will never see. Craftspeople, artisans, technicians, costumers. There are too many hardworking men and women behind the camera who have devoted their lives to making film. Even in the face of terrible wildfires and divisive politics, the work continues.- Robert Downey Jr. is one of our greatest actors and an Academy Award winner. I adore this man. Please welcome someone I love.

[00:00:00]  Speaker A 
Conan.

[00:00:02]  Conan O'Brien 
Conan.

[00:00:36]  Speaker A 
Yes. Oh, where's that shoe? Come on, come on.

[00:00:50]  Conan O'Brien 
Come on.

[00:00:51]  Speaker A 
Conan.

[00:00:51]  Conan O'Brien 
Everyone's waiting. Conan. Okay, give me a minute. That's down there.

[00:00:58]  Speaker A 
Okay, I see you.

[00:01:00]  Conan O'Brien 
I'm on you. Where are you?

[00:01:14]  Speaker A 
Please welcome four time Oscar viewer, Conan O'Brien.

[00:01:30]  Conan O'Brien 
Thank you very much. Thank you. Please sit down. Seriously, sit down. You never stood. Okay.

[00:01:40]  Speaker A 
All right.

[00:01:42]  Conan O'Brien 
Hi, Demi. How are you? That was weird. Yeah. Awkward. I'm missing some car keys. Anyway, this is very exciting. Hello, I'm your host, Conan O'Brien. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I know what you're thinking. Did Conan not have work done? Seriously, he looks his age. I should have done something. I am excited to be here.

[00:02:17]   
Welcome to the 97th Academy Awards. It's Hollywood's biggest night. That starts at 4 in the afternoon. Everyone here just had brunch. I don't understand it, but it's the Oscars and I say, let's do this thing. You ready to go? I am. I'm walking to show I have control of the stage. A complete unknown.

[00:02:45]   
A real. A real pain. Nosferatu. These are just some of the names I was called on the red carpet. I think two are fair. We're here to celebrate the movie industry. What a year for the movie industry. Netflix leads all studios with an impressive 18 count. Em. 18 price increases. Yes. And I think they can beat that next year.

[00:03:25]   
And how about those ladies, Ariana and Cynthia? Weren't they amazing? They were incredible. Wicked is nominated tonight in 10 categories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the perfect movie for anyone who's ever finished watching the wizard of Oz and thought, sure, but where did all the minor characters go to college? That's the story. I loved the Brutalist.

[00:04:00]   
I really did. I love the Brutalist. Yeah. Brutalist also received 10 nominations. Yeah. No, I loved the Brutalist. I really did. I didn't want it to end. And luckily it didn't. Conclave. I'm a Catholic boy. I love Conclave. Yeah. Yeah. Ruby, Conclave is nominated for best Picture tonight. If you haven't seen Conclave, its logline is a movie about the Catholic Church.

[00:04:32]   
But don't worry, you gotta hold on that one and just wait. Yeah. And then it comes rolling back at you. Ralph Fiennes is excellent in Conclave. Yeah. You are excellent. True fact. This is actually Ralph Fiennes third time being nominated. Yeah. If he doesn't win tonight, we all get to call him Ralph.

[00:05:06]  Speaker A 
Hey, Ralph, get me a towel.

[00:05:13]  Conan O'Brien 
Can't tell if he's laughing or not. It doesn't matter. Not Getting paid a lot. Hey, you know what? I loved Honora. I really did. Yeah, I loved Honora. Yeah. Yeah. True story. Little fact for you, Honora uses the F word 479 times. That's three more than the record set by Carla Sofia Gascon's publicist.

[00:05:41]   
You treated what? I'm having fun, Carlos. Carla, Sofia Gascogne is here tonight and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, Carla, if you are going to tweet about the Oscars, remember, my name is Jimmy Kimmel. Before we go any further, I want you to know we did not use AI to make this show. No AI Yeah.

[00:06:38]   
No AI Yeah. We would never do that. We use child labor. Hey, there's still people. Of course we lost little Billy, but that's sad. Anyway, another movie nominated for Best Picture is I'm Still Incredible Fun. Yeah. Yeah. I'm Still Here is about a woman who forges ahead alone after her husband goes missing.

[00:07:10]   
Yeah. When my wife saw it, she called it the feel good movie of the year. Thanks. One guy. Hey, Jimmy Chalamet is up for Best Actor tonight. You're amazing and you look amazing. I bow to you. Love that suit. You will not get hit on your bike tonight. Safe. An amazing actor. Timothy is nominated for his portrayal of Bob Dylan.

[00:07:48]   
Yeah, yeah. Bob Dylan wanted to be here tonight, but not that badly. Timothee Chalamet is also in Dune 2. Yeah. Yeah. Dune 2 is nominated for Best Picture. Director Denis Vinou. And guess what? I'm told he banned smartphones on the set of Dune ii. Did you know that? Yeah. Apparently his actors kept Googling.

[00:08:25]   
What is this movie about? We'll hang afterwards, Timmy. It's gonna be fun. That was a no. You know, one of my favorite movies didn't get nominated this year. Baby Girl. Yeah. I love that film. Yeah. In the film Baby Girl, Antonio Banderas plays a man who doesn't know how to give his wife an orgasm.

[00:08:53]   
Banderas described it as the most challenging role of his career. Should have come to me, man. Should have come to me. Hey, big news. Recently, Amazon has taken over the 007 franchise, and they just announced the next James Bond. Did you know that? Yeah. It's Amazon Senior Vice President of Global Affairs, Steve Belsky.

[00:09:36]   
Ladies love him. Speaking of Amazon, we have some footage of Amazon chief Jeff Bezos arriving tonight on the red carpet. This is great. See if we can get out there. And here he comes. Yeah, there he is. He seems undamaged. Hey, at least he made it. Wait, where's Jeff? What happened to Mr.

[00:10:06]   
Bezos? Oh, for God's. Sake. Why?

[00:10:14]  Speaker A 
Why.

[00:10:18]  Conan O'Brien 
Look for him on ebay next week? Let me explain what we're doing tonight. We have a great show, but before we continue, there are a few housekeeping rules I'm implementing to keep the Oscars running smoothly. Okay, first, if your acceptance speech goes too long, instead of playing you off with music, we have something much more powerful.

[00:10:38]   
We'll cut to John Lithgow in the audience, looking not angry, but slightly disappointed. That just freezes you in your tracks. I could not keep speaking if I saw that. I couldn't. That's amazing. Thank you, sir. And if you. You still won't get off the stage, I'm going to play hardball. I'm going to show one of your old headshots.

[00:11:14]   
Okay? This means you, Guy Pearce. There you are. I loved you with Guns N Roses. You're amazing. It means you, Zoe Saldana. That's a nice headshot. And it means you, Timothee Chalamet. You know, I did that to them, and so it's only fair to do it to me. Let's show it. Come on.

[00:11:57]   
Right now. There you go. Yeah, that was taken when I was 38 years old. What'd you think of that bit, Mr. Lithgow? He's still committing. I love it. That's acting. That's acting. And finally, for such a prestigious night, it's important that everyone is properly dressed. Okay? You're dressed. Well, Adam.

[00:12:35]  Speaker A 
Conan. What's up, my brother? What's going on, man?

[00:12:44]  Conan O'Brien 
Adam, what are you wearing?

[00:12:47]  Speaker A 
What are you doing right now?

[00:12:49]  Conan O'Brien 
I'm asking you what you're wearing.

[00:12:51]  Speaker A 
Nobody even thought about what I was wearing till you brought it up.

[00:12:57]  Conan O'Brien 
You're dressed like a guy playing video poker at 2:00am Adam.

[00:13:00]  Speaker A 
And you know what, Conan? I liked it. Cause I'm a good person. I don't care about what I wear or what I don't wear. Did my snazzy gym shorts and fluffy sweatshirt offend you so much that you had to mock me in front of my peers?

[00:13:18]  Conan O'Brien 
Okay, I'm sorry, Adam. I apologize. I didn't.

[00:13:21]  Speaker A 
I'm going. I'm gonna go. Off I go. Yeah, I'm leaving. I have to. It's not you. No, it's not you. It's him. He's the one. You caused this.

[00:13:33]  Conan O'Brien 
But he. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[00:13:34]  Speaker A 
You are all welcome to join me for a game of 5 on 5 basketball at veteran park tonight. Midnight tip off. The guy from Nosterrafa. Where is he? He's on my team. One more thing. Shellame. There he goes.

[00:14:01]  Conan O'Brien 
What up, girl?

[00:14:02]  Speaker A 
What up?

[00:14:11]  Conan O'Brien 
Oh, my God. Thank you, Adam. If I could change the tone for just one second, I'm going to do this right now. The people of Los Angeles have clearly been through a devastating ordeal, and this needs to be addressed and should be addressed. In moments such as this, any award show can seem self indulgent and superfluous.

[00:14:34]   
But what I want to do is have us all remember why we gather here tonight. Okay? Yes, we will honor many beautiful and talented A list stars. But the Oscars also shines a light on an incredible community of people you will never see. Craftspeople, artisans, technicians, costumers. That's right. I can't name them all.

[00:14:59]   
There are too many hard work, hardworking men and women behind the camera who have devoted their lives to making film. Now, yes, many people we celebrate tonight are not famous, they're not wealthy, but they are devoted to a craft that can, in moments, bring us all a little closer together. Now, for almost a century, we have paused every spring to elevate and celebrate an art form that has the power, at its very best, to unite us.

[00:15:34]   
So, yes, even in the face of terrible wildfires and divisive politics, the work, which is what this is about, the work continues. And next year and for years to come, through trauma and joy, this seemingly absurd ritual is going to be here. I will not. I'm leaving Hollywood to run a bed and breakfast in Orlando.

[00:15:59]   
But. And I'd like to see you there. But the magic, the madness, the grandeur and the joy of film worldwide is going to be with us forever. So without further delay, let's get things started. Now, I know in the past this show has gone long. Okay, that's not gonna happen. I'm gonna run a tight ship.

[00:16:28]   
I'll say this clearly. I'm gonna make it very plain. I am not gonna waste your time tonight. Cause that would be insane.

[00:16:47]  Speaker A 
I won't waste time he won't waste time I won't waste time he won't waste time.

[00:16:50]  Conan O'Brien 
There's 23 awards to give its whole time to perfection. To waste time on some idiocy would be a dereliction.

[00:16:58]  Speaker A 
I won't waste time we won't waste time I won't waste time we won't waste time why would I waste.

[00:17:10]  Conan O'Brien 
It's such, such an audacious, audacious pilot now for no good reason. Sandworm from Doom 2 playing Cha Ch sticks on the piano hey, check it out. Someone who's not even nominated Dancing Deadpool.

[00:17:40]  Speaker A 
I won't waste time he won't waste time. I won't waste time. He won't waste time. I won't waste time. He won't waste time. I won't waste time. I won't rest time. You don't waste your time. I won't waste time. I will take time.

[00:18:05]  Conan O'Brien 
Well, we're 40 minutes over. Hey. Please welcome someone I love. He's one of our greatest actors and an Academy Award winner. I adore this man. Robert Downey, junior.